THE CHALLENGE

 

When Eva K. first heard about Shell via a close friend it was at the culmination of an extremely difficult year. The relationship between Eva and her 13-year-old daughter had descended into a heartbreaking situation where mother and daughter were struggling, both together and separately.

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“I was a stay-at-home mom for most of my daughter’s childhood and we’d always been extremely close,” explains Eva. “But when she was at middle school and puberty hormones kicked in, her behavior dramatically changed.

 

"She became very anxious after experiencing some mean girl issues that she felt intensely and I could sense she was really struggling with how to deal with them. But instead of wanting to talk it through with me, she became withdrawn, constantly angry, and confused.

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“She got irritated when I tried to open up a conversation and would often slam her bedroom door in my face. She shut me out physically and emotionally and became increasingly rude and disrespectful. I was in shock. It was like she changed overnight.

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“I could see she was in emotional pain trying to deal with her fluctuating emotions though, so I tried reasoning with her over and over but she kept pushing me away. I tried tough love. I tried the whole ‘How dare you?’ thing and raising my voice. But I knew even as I was saying it all that it didn’t feel right, and it only made things worse. Nothing worked and the gulf between us widened.”

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Eva said she constantly agonized over what behavior changes were ‘normal’ at this notoriously difficult age and what were reason for serious concern. “There weren’t many boundaries or rules at school and my daughter suddenly resented any kind of discipline - yet she was only 13 years old.

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“She kept saying I was trying to control her life and invade her privacy, which seemed an overreaction, and she claimed her friends did everything I wouldn’t let her do, like be on their phones for unlimited hours and have social media accounts. She lost all motivation for hobbies and fell behind at school due to anxiety dominating her mind.

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“It was hard to admit, but I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it because it was all new to me,” recalls Eva, who also has a 6-year-old son.

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The tension and constant arguing, which went on for almost a year, was affecting the whole family, says Eva, who also began struggling with her own mental health. “I was consumed with worry for my daughter due to this cocktail of anxiety, anger and confusion and I became nervous at what she could do next, especially locked away in her room all the time. I even considered putting a secret camera in there.

 

"To feel I couldn’t help my own daughter was devastating. I felt helpless, utterly confused and sad, and desperate for help for my daughter.”

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Eva and her daughter tried a family therapy session through their insurance provider but appointments were only offered once every 6 weeks. There was also a push for further appointments to be just with her daughter but the privacy issue was a concern for Eva considering her daughter’s state of mind.

 

“I saw how speaking to a professional could help her but how could I help her if everything is confidential at her vulnerable stage? I couldn’t just hand her over to an unknown therapist who didn’t know or love her. I needed someone I could trust and on a more regular basis.”

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It was then that her friend recommended Shell, who had also helped her teen daughter. She explained how Shell specialized in ‘highly sensitive’ children, which is finally what Eva suspected was likely her daughter’s issue.

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THE SOLUTION

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On Eva’s very first call with Shell, the fog starting lifting. Shell asked questions and listened, and then told Eva an analogy that put it all into perspective.

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“She told me how in lifeguard training, they tell you never to try to help a person who is panicking and thrashing around in the water. Instead throw a floatation device for them to grab first or else they will grab on to you and start to drag you down. It’s the same for teens when they are in a panic state - they can be very rough on parents so we should approach them cautiously and don't take their behaviors against us personally.”

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Eva says it was the first of many, many times that Shell’s wisdom and advice made everything that made her feel sick with confusion and helplessness suddenly make sense. “She just knew. And she gave me hope, which changed everything.”

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That hope included Shell explaining that while highly sensitive children can struggle, they are usually extremely creative and once they learn to regulate their emotions, they can have wonderful and very successful lives.

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Shell met Eva in person first to help build the trust and learn more about how she could help her daughter and her whole family.

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“What struck me most was how much emphasis Shell put on the whole family working together to help the child, and build their unit together,” remembers Eva. “It made so much sense when other therapists often seem intent on keeping it all private and shutting you out of your own child’s struggles and life.

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“Tweens and teens aren’t adults. They're still developing and unpredictable youths who often need guidance, support and understanding from their closest loved ones. But I also desperately needed guidance helping my daughter through this pivotal stage of her life, and I’m beyond grateful that I found Shell.”

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Eva describes that while Shell has a very gentle, nurturing way of communicating, it is very clear that she has a wealth of knowledge and expertise in coaching teens and their families through this difficult life stage. “I was often speechless in shock as everything Shell counseled me on made so much sense.”

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Eva’s daughter also immediately took to Shell and wanted to continue seeing her. Eva felt completely confident for them to speak alone from then on, and she and Shell would have a catch up call every week to talk about her daughter’s progress.

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Over the next couple of months, Shell taught Eva’s daughter strategies to help when friends hurt and excluded her, plus strategies to build resilience and regulate her emotions. “Her expert knowledge and care gave my daughter both peace of mind and her power back,” says Eva.

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“As a parent, Shell’s given me a deeper understanding of what my daughter is going through,” says Eva. “She taught me how the teenage brain works and develops so that I don’t have unrealistic expectations that lead to wasted worry."

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Shell also explained how teens are on a rollercoaster and that they don’t understand they’re pulling their parents onto it. Of how parents’ reactions to this are so important because their kids are watching them all the time and modelling themselves on them. “I learned that showing them what we do to help ourselves when we’re struggling is imperative, so that they learn from us doing, not telling.”

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THE RESULTS

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Eva says the difference in her relationship with her daughter today compared to six months ago is ‘staggering’.

 

“I feel like I have my daughter back and that she truly feels I’m on her side. Instead of lashing out and blaming her challenges on me, Shell has taught her tools to understand and start taking control of her emotions and reactions. And she’s empowered me to be the best parent I can be when I felt powerless.”

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Shell coached Eva on what signs to watch for including possible triggers for anxiety, how not to increase or exacerbate her daughter’s anxiety, how to help her regulate her emotions, and better ways to communicate and parent her.

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“I feel much more confident giving her space and quiet time for herself. I never worry when she spends long periods of time in her room because she seems so much happier, calmer, and centered. She’s now great at agreeing on bedtime, screen time limits etc. We laugh together every day again. We hug every day. And she is barely ever rude to me at all!”

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Eva also says that out of the blue, her daughter suddenly asked to go back to swim classes again. “Within weeks she wanted to get more focused and asked to go four nights a week so she could try to get on team! But we are also a team again.

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"I’m so proud of my daughter and can now trust her to make good decisions. It’s early days as she’s only 13, and I expect many more challenges to come. But going through this time together and coming out stronger than ever, thanks to Shell’s care and guidance, has given me great confidence in dealing with future.”

- Eva K.

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